It was an eventful year, 2008. I lost someone, I found something, I went somewhere, I knew some secrets.

I have learnt that in order to appreciate things, you had to go through all shitty things first. I was blamed, accused, point at, blamed at again, being call not commited enough, being incompetent, laughed at, jeered at.

I went through this shittiest crap I ever have thrown at me by a person who I thought had my highest utmost respect (well you can go stick in where the sun don’t shine now).

I have learnt the best job  so far is laid in front of my eyes for so long and I am grateful I didn’t miss it this time around.

I haven’t felt mad enough to actually feel stressed in my life now.

Thank you for making me realise that.

I felt ache in my heart sometimes, but it subsides quicker day by day.

This would be my last post here. I now have less conflicts with myself, with people around me and anyone else for that matter and for that I am glad.

If I am not, there’s always another place that no one will ever know about my thoughts, this time.

And for that too, I feel safe.

Hello 2009. And with this list, I hope it will match my life a bit, if it’s not that too much.

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Time Stands Still - All American Reject.
“Can you hear me scream?”

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The Sharpest Lives - MCR
“The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead”

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Young Folks - Peter Bjorn & Yorn
“If you knew my story word for word, had all of my history, Would you go along with someone like me?”

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Bella’s Lullaby - Carter Burwell
*instrumental*

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Sleep to Dream - Fiona Apple
“So don’t forget what I told you, don’t come around, I got my own hell to raise”

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Ruby - Kaiser Chiefs
“Could it be, could it be that you’re joking with me and you don’t really see you with me”

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Love Me Like You - The Magic Numbers
“She’ll never forget if the way that she wished she don’t feel the same”

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Never Think - Robert Pattinson
“Save your soul before your too far gone”

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
My Immortal - Evanescence
“There’s just too much that time cannot erase”

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths
“So please please please let me, let me, let me, let me get what I want, this time”

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Reason - Hoobastank
“I’m not a perfect person, I never meant to do those things to you”

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Infra Red - Placebo
“The one last thing to try shuffle off the planet, and I will be the one to make you crawl”

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
StreetCorner Symphony - Rob Thomas
“But it’s alright now, we’ll make it through this somehow and we’ll paint the perfect picture”

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Taffy stuck and tongue tied, stutter shook and uptight. Pull me out from inside.”
.Ende.

//i’m a sucker for this kind of quizzes. *flips a finger*

—————————————-
Put your music player on shuffle.
For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!!!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Members Only - Sheryl Crow.
"He seems to be stuck in the 80’s, he wears his "members only" jacket ’cause he thinks it turns on all the ladies"

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Dragostea Din Tei - Ozone
"Ti-am dat beep, si sunt voinic, dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic. "

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Superpredators (Metal Postcard) - Massive Attack
*instrumental*

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
A Case of You - Joni Mitchell
"And she said,’Go to him, stay with him if you can but be prepared to bleed’ "

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Back Off Bitch - Guns N’ Roses
"I said it’s time for me to even the score"

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Tracks of My Tears - Gavin Degraw
"So take a good look at my face, you’ll see my smile looks out of place"

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Shine - COllective Soul
"Woah , Heaven let your light shine down"

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
I Think Of You - Ivy
"I think of you,when you’re not around. I wonder if you hear me, call out your name"

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Missing - Evanescence
"Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant? Isn’t something missing?"

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
Reckless Abandon - Blink 182
"Everybody would waste it all to have a summer that they could call a memory that’s full of fun, fucked up when it’s all done"

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Travellin’ Soldier - Dixie Chicks
"He’s a little shy, so she gave him a smile and he said, would you mind sittin’ down for awhile and talkin’ to me, I’m feelin’ a little low"

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Girls - Death in Vegas
*instrumental*

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
These Dreams - Robbie Williams
"These dreams have let you down. Take it don’t break it just turn it around. These dreams won’t let you down"

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Stellar - Incubus
"Meet me in outer space. I will hold you close, if you’re afraid of heights. I need you to see this place, it might be the only way that I can show you how it feels to be inside of you."

fuck you.

i deleted my past entries.

you can suck my balls if i have one. and bow down to me, bitches.

it’s just one of the days when you think ‘cut the crap…deal with it yourself’.

but you can’t help it , yes? you cringed and fake a smile. pose a nod.

the thing i want most for all these fuckers to do are be happy. yes. i want them to be happy so they can stop harrasing my life and pointing out what is lacking with my selfish almost-feminist rebellious you’re-too-old-for-this-shit life. or maybe they can stop sending anonymous comment(s) and threatened me and hide behind self-created stupid email account. really, i want them to be so happy they forget who i am and what i meant once in their life.

but yes, what goes around do come around. it might not bite my ass now, and your ass or you and you and yes you there..but it will later. the thing that differentiate you and me is how one handle such situation. me? i don’t like thrills. not that i am too old or i have a weak heart. i dislike the fact that i got my adrenaline pumped up and i started to shiver all over. cold sweats. bite my lips. cringing my jaw on and off. no. i don’t want to go back there. not again.

yes, i am immature at times. but at least i dont fake my maturity because i have to. what for? for whom should  i give the benefit? we talked about this over and over again. i’m tired. just tired.

when you are having big trouble hovering over your head. and everything is cloudy. you will or you want to, tempted to create your own world. hide everything inside and you just want to close your eyes and hoping that everything will be okay when you open your eyes.

but things dont happen like that. you are only safe in this world you create. they’re still fighting. she’s still crying. he’s still leaving. they’re still mocking. you still arguing. i’m still sulking. it is a temporary sanity, people call it. no..i call it first.

are you not the same person you were yesterday? or do you do the same thing again and again. do you tend to be the same when you are in your own created sanctuary? doesn’t mean someone is a gun shooter in a game means he or she is inclined to shoot people one day. doesn’t mean she likes her means she is lesbian in her real life. doesn’t mean any of your dirty secret fantasy fetish looks good in your head means you can act it out with anyone. 

people do what people know what is best for them to let the steam off. some go jogging. some go and drinks lots of coffee. some reads. some sleeps. some is gaming. and i write.

and i find that helps.

i am puzzled by the meaning of the video..i found it’s rather stupid with no storyline..but the song is good..so here goes…

Mortal Love - Adoration

Pretend you’re in my heart
Pretend we’ll never part
Everything beautiful dies

With you inside of me
With you I’ll never be
Anything else than you

Just to feel the taste of love
Intertwine with your inner thoughts
Feel your loving touch
I know you’re too far gone

And when I lay me down to sleep
The stars above me bright and far away… like you

I know my love is gone
I know I don’t belong
Everything beautiful dies

Just to feel the taste of love
Intertwine with your inner thoughts
Feel your loving touch
I know you’re too far gone

And when I lay me down to sleep
The stars above me bright and far away… like you

if i EVER get married.

if i ever get married, like dude..no pics in the studio. okay maybe i will but no pics like mcm pukimak bangsat muka hanjing, babi lagi mulia dari muka kau kinda smirk.

oh God. oh angels. oh damn. oh hell. oh lucifer. now i know why i was ’saved’ from those years of mental tortures.

i am fat…but god dammit i look good in pics.

it is such a lousy photographer if you are skinny and body beautiful but goddammit…gambar kantoi.

oh yeah, i still can remember when i asked him when there would be our pics hanging on the wall of his parents’ house.

now i am glad i don’t.

i will rather choke myself and die than taking those kind of poses. kissing or not. i..will..kill..myself…with my own bare hands.

oh yeah, bro… i am STILL mental. but not on you, sadly for me..i think? no..you are still scared that i still have my hearts on you.

i should have laughed when you said that. i should. but i am a bit worried i will piss your fragile brain again, i know it was me who got you almost bald, you see. you know it yourself, you can’t argue with me unless you pin pointing all my mistakes in the past. because i know and you know that i can make you cry with my own words without backtracking to any past info.

but goddammit. thanks to you, man…i have found ways to deflect those sarcasms and mental tortures. Thank God i’m a bit wiser now. oh yeah, thanks to you i’m more careful in trusting people. and i question everything. goddammit i question every single little thing. it’s only when i keep silent, either a) i’m too lazy to argue with stupid people; or b) you are stupid that i see no point to argue with. not worth my time.

oh yeah. the grudge is still there.

make sure your wife calls you ASAP if she sees me around. she too, afraid that i’m going to strangle her with wire cord or anything i could find near me.

pity her. deep inside i know i pity her..seriously. no, i’m not kidding. yes..can see me frown now.

*frown seriously*

let’s justify from my own side of view since most of you seems like to see and bring my morale down and actually got a good kick out of it.

i dont and never EVER ask for other people to adapt to me, and i AM adapting to your way of life. of course you don’t see it. i considered myself a feline, not a hound dog that yap yap chasing his own tail everytime the owner walks out the door.

and a feline, my FRIEND, cannot be controlled.

i respect you (with all my heart and gratitute)…but i bow to NO ONE.

“you’re so vain..i bet you think this song is about you..don’t you, don’t you?”

==========

so who is selfish now?

give me a bad rep, give me anything, i just take it. but next time when i slice and dice everyone and laugh like nobody’s business while i munch away everyone’s faint beating heart with my bloody mouth and my hands covered in blood, call a police.

i do hate his guts (sometimes) when he talks about women. but  goddammit i love his latest entry named ‘carutan tahun baru’. profanity included. don’t read if your stomach cannot digest it.

i’ll bold and underline the things that i like.

i open my new year with curse words. you can just go STFU and go face that wall like a nice boy/girl, y’hear?

oh yeah…

/quote heh /unquote

===============

Pukimak mak bapak ko. Jubur mak ko ada ketuat.

Weh, anak anjing, kalau setakat nak berlagak ‘cool’ dengan menunjukkan betapa tak kisahnya ko pada keadaan sekeliling sambil mengutuk orang-orang yang kisah, ko boleh pergi mampus la.

Pergi balik, merangkak masuk pantat mak ko. Ko keluar, sapa suruh?

Jangan assume aku assume benda-benda pasal ko la. Ko ingat aku ada masa ke nak jaga bulu kelentit bapak ko? Setakat betina lakhanat macam ko dan mak ko ni, merugikan kolesterol aku je nak buat apa-apa.

Ni mencarut kat ko dengan bapak ko ni pun membazir masa aku je. Macam la aku boleh buat duit dengan maki hamun keluarga ko yang memang macam celaka tu.

Bila last time ko basuh puki? Dah ada kulampair aku tengok. Biji kelentit ko tu, kalau gosok kat pipi boipren ko, mau ada parut 3 inci dalam.

Butuh mak ko la, pura-pura baik dan innocent. Pura-pura clueless, walaupun ko dengan setan memang adik beradik. Siap incest lagi. Orang Melayu panggil sumbang mahram. Dosa, tau?

Wei, kalau ko bodoh, jangan ingat semua orang bodoh piang cam ko jugak. PMR aku power la. UPSR lagi la. Aku lagi best dari ko.

Ko apa ada? Setakat jual jubur hari-hari, pergi mampus la bapak ko tu.

Nak nasihatkan orang la pulak. Wei, anak anjing, ko ambik nasihat ko tu, gulung baik-baik, lepas tu kasik kat diri sendiri. Lepas tu, ko pergi haji. Jadi hajjah. Bagi anjing minum air. Masuk syurga, woo. Ko taknak masuk syurga ke?

Best, woo, syurga. Best gila. AKu tak pernah pergi la. Pasal aku tak mampus lagi. Ko pergi la mampus dulu. Benda baik tak patut dilengahkan.

Kalau ko mampus sekarang, sejukkkk perut mak ko pasal makan nasi semalam. Bukan pasal ko. Ko memang cibai. Celaka anak haram. Dasar burit tenyeh kat ashtray.

Ko tak payah la nak pura-pura dengan aku. Aku lempang kang. Muntah hijau. Pasal ko vegetarian. Kot?

Takpun muntah ungu. Lantak ko la. Janji aku lempang, ko muntah. Ingat, muntah tau, bila aku lempang. Kalau tak, hilang sikit kesan khas nya. Bayar mahal ni.

Ni, celaka yang satu lagi ni, bila nak berenti membiak, hah? Dunia takleh nak cover sekor lagi si celaka macam ko dengan bapak ko sekali.

Ko lahir ke dunia sebagai hukuman dari tuhan kepada manusia kufur. Ko nak tambah lagi ke, azab dan seksanya dengan membuka pantat neraka dan menarik keluar sekor lagi si celaka dari pantat hantu?

Memang anak anjing betul la.

Takde kata-kata yang boleh aku ungkapkan untuk meluahkan betapa cibai dan celakanya korang ni. Kalau aku ada kuasa, memang aku lempang je pantat mak korang. Pantat kurang hajo! Berakkan mawas celaka macam korang. Pantat tak sedar diri, suka hati je bawak korang keluar.

Aku rasa, sekali aku lempang pantat mak ko, pantat nenek ko sekali terseliuh. Walaupun dah lama mampus kat dalam kubur. Alaaaaa, nenek ko pun memang celaka jugak, pasal tak bunuh mak ko masa merangkap keluar dari bontot.

Apasal la ko tak lahir zaman jahiliyyah kat Arab Saudi. Senang sikit aku. Kalau tak kena tanam masa jadi anjing kecik, dah mampus kat Perang Khandak. Habis cerita.

Tak payah la aku menggunakan kebencian tahap Dengarlah Sayang ni maki korang sambil cuba tak tidur, menunggu ride ke KL balik.

Korang memang celaka la. Pergi balik hisap butuh mak ko la.

=======

p/s: happy new year 2007.

“By all means necessary, you will get your way”

one thing that annoys me most of the time is the ‘holier than thou’ attitude that sadly i see embedded in these few people that sadly are my friends or acquaintances or strangers that thinks they know what they are doing and represent is the best.

ethnocentrism. that’s what it is. equals to holier than thou. equals to so called self righteousness. thinking that you are more pure than anyone else. thinking that your attitude is being blessed by God Almighty. thinking that everyone else is the scum of the universe.

ha ha

you think so highly about yourself just because you don’t drink, don’t smoke, still a virgin, don’t steal, don’t lie, always go to holy places (the list can go on and on). i’ve seen too many of these so called ‘good’ people who didn’t involve in these things at the first place ended up behaved much more like disco goer heavy drinker.

things always end up that way. or maybe it won’t.

it’s a very subjective matter. on how a society should behave. it’s a form of an ideology being invested in your social circles without you even know it. or maybe you spend too much time hanging around scumbags you think stereotypeness is the way of living.

they way you choose your choice of words and they way you portray yourself can or cannot change the whole society. have you thought about that?

UUuuuUU…i use big words. i feel so much like a genius bastard.

you end up not questioning the things that matter but more on why your life suck and other people don’t. you end up thinking that people should control you or you’d be out of control

damn, woman/man. don’t you know the word of being ‘independent’?

people who always controls what you say or should behave will be bound to kick the bucket, be the worm food. at that time. if you still unable to control what’s good or bad for you, that must be suck.

and i feel sorry for you.

somehow i like to contradict myself. i can say one thing and another thing on the next.

don’t be happy or act happy just because you want to show the world you’re happy but deep inside everything is killing you inside. come on, don’t be a hypocrite. it sickens me.

go sing out loud. no. no karaoke.

scream at the top of your lung. curse if you must.

don’t bottle things up. oh please don’t. i happen to like to express myself more nowadays. i feel it’s such a burden to hold everythings up.

i feel it is such a hassle to cry at night alone or banging your head on the wall or slit my wrist.

after all, i don’t want to kill myself or end up shooting people in the public.

oh then, please spare me from your drama. please oh please don’t be nice to me just to use me later to get to something else. it’s too complicated. it eats me from inside like a can of spoilt spam with worms in it. *wiggle wiggle* it looks like a sick Hindi soap drama to me.

doesn’t mean i shut myself up i don’t know how to retaliate. my smiles means a lot of things. so does my laughter.

oh mi bod!

i am acculturing myself into the society. but that doesn’t mean everything falls to dumb deaf ears.

okay. where’s that damn dictionary?